Scar Tissue

There are times when you either know your friends or you don't. And if you can trust them.

No-one likes to lose control, but as a doctor there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to freefalling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you. As doctors, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients... and how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As doctors we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope. The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

I'm much better, I can't wait to tell you what happened. -L

Has notado

Has notado como a veces en la vida... las cosas que vemos pasan como imágenes en la carretera? Pero hay un instante, una imagen que se te queda grabada y ...te cambia. No solo por lo que es, tal vez en algún punto solamente por lo que representa, no te has puesto a pensar, que si todas las imágenes fuesen tan significativas otras perderían sentido? Como las luces en la noche, cuando forman figuras. Has notado que, llega un punto en el que esas luces se desvanecen, pero aún puedes cerrar los ojos y verlas como si siguieran ahí? Y al final, se sienten y significan lo mismo que cuando en realidad estuvieron?

Something I wrote a while ago..

I wrote this for someone I really loved, and still appreciate so much even though its been a while since we stopped talking...

written Fri Feb 12th, 2010

It's been a while since we stopped talking, and I could say what I intend to say in many lines but it all comes down to I miss you. I think you gave me something to live for.. I miss you a lot baby, I wish i had the nerve to call you and tell you everything I'm feeling, but I'm not sure what would you say.
I miss you every day, I always dream about you and I've been trying to erase you from everything, but it seems impossible. I'm waiting for this to heal... Maybe someday my expectations will beat reality.
With love,
L.

Pale blue lightning

Running through splendid cities, I see your black velvety eyes everywhere I look. I don’t want to wake up. Your sweet madness is aching so much, so marvelous. I’m alive. I see the mad sea, waving, fading, and I wonder if it’s you, or is it the sea making me believe I’m sinking in your eyes. I’m covering in the love of our memories, as in a nightmarish I finally see the sunlight, the wine colors of daylight in summer. I face the horizon, the veils and the blurry clouds.. I no longer feel like myself, I forgot to know the sky and the star infused sea. Very delirious I think the skies are, and you are fading into pale blue lightning…

let down

Know the chill?

A veces me siento ahogada en un mundo de locura, personas, odio, amor. A veces siento que estoy flotando en el agua, menos pesada, como una pluma, y de pronto la realidad me abofetea y me recuerda que sigo en el piso. Se dice que la vida está reflejada en un mundo de crueldad y dolor, y yo… por mi parte estoy comenzando a creer que ese es el mundo que ellos han creado y no el mío. Tal vez el mío está loco y sin sentido, pero no lo entenderían…

Tal vez este mundo de locura cae continuamente sobre nuestros mundos individuales, como lluvia, e impacta destruyendo nuestros pensamientos y sueños, pero no lo entenderían, hay un mundo en mi cabeza y un mundo en la de cada uno de ellos.

Nadie pensaría que nuestros mundos pudiesen ser destruidos sobre los de otros o su egoísmo. A pesar de los sucesos de un viernes cualquiera somos capaces de saber quién miente, aludiendo al nuevo filosofo moderno también llamado House. Me resulta increíblemente triste que siempre se tenga que pensar en las peores opciones antes de un enfoque optimista. Al igual que me resulta intrigante saber a quién haces alusión cuando te refieres a un “sabandija”, y si estamos un poco en sintonía y se te hicieron los mismos comentarios que a mí, por parte de R, tenemos a un sabandija que quiere sabotear nuestra relación debido a un mal enfoque, pues creo que nuestras intensiones nunca han sido más que comentar sobre literatura, sueños e ideales.

Nunca quise tomar algún partido e ignoro los comentarios que se han hecho a ultimas fechas, me parece totalmente cierto el hecho de buscar mantener la intriga en contraposición del destino, supongo que es parte de la era en la que nos toco vivir, el exceso de comunicación satura nuestra imaginación.

Me alegra saber de ti. Sin embargo, tampoco quisiera volver a pensar que te voy a encontrar por espontaneidad, y el hecho de encontrarnos de esta manera (Hoy, jueves) no me parece la adecuada, solo quiero que sepas que hallare una manera inimaginable para encontrarnos pues creo que nos han hecho creer que las cosas se tienen que hacer de una manera para llegar a un punto y que los que no seguimos ese camino estamos condenados a la marginación, pero esas formulas son equivocas y alienantes.

Odiaría seguir utilizando Facebook para comunicarme contigo, dado a las interferencias y enfoques equívocos que ya se dieron, en cambio pensé que podríamos usar algo un poco más lento pero que funcione, esta es mi cuenta de correo: @hotmail.com, siéntete libre de escribirme cuando gustes, pero espero sepas que es exclusivo para correos electrónicos, esto quiere decir que no uso el Messenger en ningún momento.

Espero esto llegue a tus manos junto con mi libro favorito y una revista de la cual he estado enamorada y nunca escatimo en leer, creo que te gustará y probablemente también se convierta en un favorito tuyo. El libro está un poco subrayado pues suelo remarcar frases y oraciones que me parecen maravillosas, espero que te agrade y tenerlo en mis manos antes de que vuelvas a la escuela.

Ignoro todos los sucesos recientes, y me alegra saber que quieras continuar comunicándote conmigo, aunque de cierta manera siempre he sentido que las cosas bellas son como esta misma hoja que sostienes en tus manos, si la doblas y arrugas, puede volver a su forma, pero nunca va a volver a ser perfecta, sin embargo sigue ahí en forma y esencia.

It’s amazing. As soon as I saw you, I needed to talk. It’s like… I don’t know. A strong, weird feeling. I thought, if I don’t talk to you before I go, I’d be missing out on… something… important. Beautiful. It’s dumb, but… Never mind. May I?
- Paris Je T’aime

Kings Of Convenience - Cayman Islands

Saludos, L.

The phone rings and he screams:

I can’t sleep again. How come we know the consequences and still push ourselves into hell? I knew the consequence of this since the very beginning, I knew I could fall deeply for you, but I ignored it, I played the strong one on a play were I had no character, I thought I could keep up with you, no heart, no feelings, but now I know that’s impossible. I know you now I always tried to reach for a place in your heart, which I did not have in the very beginning and still don’t. . And then I think you had the power of saying “stop” when you saw that I was falling for you, and you didn’t. You choose to toy with my feelings. And I’m not being hard on you, it’s neither a complaint nor a critique, it’s what it is. I love you and you don’t. Sounds so simple right? I’ve been replaying those words you said to me over and over, they continue screaming in my mind, all the plans, all the things we could have done…

I remember all those times when I was undecided and afraid to get hurt… I remember when I told you I did not want to see you anymore and you told me to stay and see. So I did, I thought that if I did not play I would not win either… but you and I were stupid: Love is not a fucking game.

You always claimed to know much about me, and the last time I saw you I told you I was so happy that you knew my favorite song, my favorite things. Do you remember? You said I didn’t know you quite well, you asked “what’s my bigger fear?” and I felt so ashamed because I didn’t know the answer… but I know now that it was not my fault, I opened my heart to you, I showed you my world, but I never got into yours, I could never be a part of your world.

It hurts so much seeing you right now. It hurts to know I’ll wake up tomorrow with the fear of finding you at school. But that’s the way things are by now: I can’t even look at you. I don’t need you… you broke my heart.