I can’t sleep again. How come we know the consequences and still push ourselves into hell? I knew the consequence of this since the very beginning, I knew I could fall deeply for you, but I ignored it, I played the strong one on a play were I had no character, I thought I could keep up with you, no heart, no feelings, but now I know that’s impossible. I know you now I always tried to reach for a place in your heart, which I did not have in the very beginning and still don’t. . And then I think you had the power of saying “stop” when you saw that I was falling for you, and you didn’t. You choose to toy with my feelings. And I’m not being hard on you, it’s neither a complaint nor a critique, it’s what it is. I love you and you don’t. Sounds so simple right? I’ve been replaying those words you said to me over and over, they continue screaming in my mind, all the plans, all the things we could have done…
I remember all those times when I was undecided and afraid to get hurt… I remember when I told you I did not want to see you anymore and you told me to stay and see. So I did, I thought that if I did not play I would not win either… but you and I were stupid: Love is not a fucking game.
You always claimed to know much about me, and the last time I saw you I told you I was so happy that you knew my favorite song, my favorite things. Do you remember? You said I didn’t know you quite well, you asked “what’s my bigger fear?” and I felt so ashamed because I didn’t know the answer… but I know now that it was not my fault, I opened my heart to you, I showed you my world, but I never got into yours, I could never be a part of your world.
It hurts so much seeing you right now. It hurts to know I’ll wake up tomorrow with the fear of finding you at school. But that’s the way things are by now: I can’t even look at you. I don’t need you… you broke my heart.
